dawnminator's Datingish

How do you end it with someone who wont let go.

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 08:20:12 GMT

...and I am trying.

Standing firm on my 'NO' for the first time. It feels weird to finally say 'No' to him. I have been saying 'yes'. I have been begging and pleading and wishing and hoping...eh.

It finally sunk in a few weeks ago, he is not right for me. Which is only slightly more strange than the next creeping thought and...its okay.

I made a mistake. I swore after my husband I would change things. I would never let a man cheat on me. I would not become all consumed by another. I would not lose my sense of self. Somehow..I felt I could do all of this and still love. I think sometimes...you need to lose control to love. Perhaps it should be done with one who is also going to lose control and be consumed by you.

He is sitting there. In the drivers seat. Tears rollling down his face splashing onto his black jacket. He looks old school today. Black jacket, jeans boots and white t-shirt. Blonde hair spiked with this crazy supersonic gel. He looks good and I want to say 'Yes'

I want to say 'Yes' because he is saying everything I want to hear.

-Babe? Please. Dont do this. I know I made a mistake.

(and for a while, I was shreiking them out everytime he made that statement. He keeps saying it. Over and over. Eventually, I dont shriek. I say with a dead voice that makes him wail 'Why are you so cold?')

I know I fucked up. I am sorry. I am admitting that I fucked up. Forgive me and please...dont live in the past. Please. I will do whatever you want. I will get my shit straight. I will buy a house. I will stop drinking. I will do anything. I swear. Dont leave me. I need you. I am going to go crazy with out you. I cant beleive I am losing you. I will show you and not take you for granted. Anything yu want. Please.

The only thing I asked him for when we started dating was honesty. Thats it. Simple. He has spent the last year lying to me about her. Telling me she was out of his life. I caught him lying about her more times that I can count. Everytime I gave him another shot.

One more shot, baby. Please.

One more shot? I tell him. I am beginning to look like swiss cheese.

On and on he goes. Crying. He tries to raise his voice a few times. I am sick with a cold and stuffy to begin with and I am crying. Crying for him and he wont let go. Part of me is happy to cause him some measure of pain. Most of me just wants him to let me go. We use the word love as a weapon.

If you loved me, you wouldnt leave me. You would stand by me and help me work through my issues.

If you loved me? You would let me go.

I blocked him from my phone. I refused to answer his emails, text. His friends are texting and calling. I keep saying 'No'. 'NO MORE' and usually, oddly, his friends will agree with me. They were friends with her and became friends with me. They are generally nuetral but have stepped in to tell him 'Dude...seriously? Leave her alone. You fucked up.' And I am weak. He is negotiating and i just want sleep and silence. Its been a year. Its been a long week of tears. Its been 5 hours in this parking lot. In this car. Crying and running out of fast food napkins. I got out and ran to my apartment building. I fumbled with my key and made in to the couch sobbing. He left for a while and then came back 'Please. Please. Dont do this. Please. One more week. I can show you it will be different'.

I am still saying 'No' but gah. When does this stop?

The Rules.

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 13:32:38 GMT

So my roomates girlfriend has a copy of 'The Rules' and I was out smoking on the deck and I needed reading material so I grab it, chuckle and take it outside.
I was doing a little internal eye rolling at the...gayness...of the book. Its just rather cheesy and camp.
And then....crap.
I think they might be right.
I do have to finish reading it. It doesnt seem like it will take very long, I hesitate because I do not want to get sucked into 'trying' any of the rules.
lmao
And then, I hear a rumor a while back? That one of the chicks went through a divorce. Not that there is anything wrong with that (ahem) just...you cant sell a diet book when the author is overweight.

I think it would be interesting to conduct an entire courtship based on 'The Rules' but that would be starting a relationship based on a lie. I am not like that. I dont play games. If I want to call you, I will call you. If I dont feel like talking, I wont answer. If I want to go out with you Saturday night, I will say 'What are you doing Saturday?' I am strong, independant and fairly happy.

I am also single and at the end of a string of useless relationships.

I would say its rather obvious I am doing something wrong.

Have you read it? What do you think?

Money

Sat, 26 Jul 2008 13:07:29 GMT

How important is money to you?

A few people in my life keep pushing me to date the guys that appear to be financially better off. I have dated guys that are doing alright for themselves and thats fine. I did not know Bomb even had a 'real' job when I met him moonlighting as a bartender. Its just not something I seek out? Should I?

I, personally, spilt checks. Or offer to pay for the next round. Or I get the tickets and you can get the snacks. *shrug* I have always been this way and odds are pretty good I am not going to change. Most guys laugh and say 'The guy pays on a date! I got it!' and, honestly, I wont put up a fuss, but I will buy the next round.
I dont really care too much about financial status. The extent of it goes to...I am not supporting you financially. Its not going to happen. Perhaps if we were to be married down the line I would offer a certain level of financial support but I do have expectations. If you are physicallyt able to support yourself and work-or at least try!-ten you should.
Heres the thing, though. I wont be supported either.

I have seen girlfirends prior to girls day out shopping turn to boyfriends and say 'Give me...like 200?' and the guy does!
He actually DOES?
'Of course he does. Its what I deserve. Someone to take care of me.' One of my very good girlfriends has a her boyfriends pay for her mani-pedi, hair, spa treatments, etc. 'They date me because I look a certain way. So they can pay for the upkeep'

I guess there are a few questions there.

Guys? Is it weird-and I have been told it is so I ask-when a girl, not just offers, but actually DOES-no muss, no fuss, no scene-split the check or contribute to the date? Have you ever asked a girl to contribute to the date? How comfortable do you feel about contributing to 'upkeep'? And I dont mean just apperance. What about Rent? When you dont live there? School? Car? Are there expectations and obligations linked to the cash?

Girls? Do you expect your date to pony up the cash? For dates? Shopping trips? Maintinence? Do you offer? Do you actually follow through on those offers? If you are being supported financially, would you date a guy that wasnt able to be so generous? Are there expectations and obligations linked to the cash?

Dating for Dummies

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 00:38:27 GMT

So I am looking online and I search:
'How to Date'
and got a bunch of site geared toward teenagers adn I really didnt find that applicable to me and my situation(s).
'Adult Dating'
and DUH (add a forehead slap) I got a bunch of...seedier...sites.
'Dating for Dummies'
and I got the book 'Dating for Dummies' which, while I found a few things informative (see below) the excerpts I read felt like they were geared more toward the gamer who lives in his parents basement.

And...a new thought creeps into my mind. Do I feel like I dont know how to date because I do not know how to 'play games'? Is that what I am looking for? The ability to play games? Why is that a thought?
To me, 'playing games' means manipulation others to feel and react a certain way to obtain the desired results. Lying, deception, etc are the tools of the trade. Thats what it means to me. To you, it might mean a rousing game of Monopoly. *shrug*

I can say I do not feel as though I 'play games' with people. I am honest to the point of stupid. Trusting to the point of heartbreak. I am simply tired of being in relationships with those who do not feel the same way. I am tired of having the rug pulled out from under me when I find out someone lied to me.
When I decide to actually allow someone to touch my feelings, I give everything. Something my Father says I should stop doing. Maybe drop the all or nothing meantality.

So I felt like the excerpt from 'Dating for Dummies' available on Discovery Health spoke to me.

'Do you need to be in control all the time or else you feel anxious? Do you take care of people and then get angry when they don't take care of you, even though you've set yourself up as the caretaker (which is really just a variation on being a control freak)?'

These words totally stopped me and I read them over and over and...yeah. I totally am this. I do this. Gah. I suck.

Click here to read the whole excerpt:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/dummies/date/dummies_breakup.html

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 12:46:25 GMT

Talking with Laura yesterday about plans for the week, the weekend.
My plans for each night include a guy. A different guy. Most are in the 'Guys I will never date' file and others are in the 'Guys that have asked to date and I say No' file.

I am telling Laura all this and she is laughing.

'For not dating, you sure do date alot.'
I am NOT dating. These are guys I am friends with.
'Did you hang out this much with these guys while dating Bomb?'
Well, no.
'Uh huh.' she is laughing 'Dont you think its odd that they are suddenly asking you to spend more time with them?'

Crap. I mean, I know my guy friends versus guys that wanna be more than friends.

Wow. I sound like a tramp. I am not. Promise. I think there is just a shortage of girls my age who are single and dont have an ass ton of baggage.
Cause, wacky as I am, I am pretty damn normal.

Sorta.

So Laura says this and I am all trying to defend myself and...well, it just goes back to me being oblivious to all this. I just, I dunno. Didnt think of it that way. I did on some of the guys and I told them, not ready to date. Guys are tools and respond with the 'Whats a friendly walk/dinner/cup of coffee? No pressure!' Jerkoffs, that IS pressure.
So then what? I stay in all the time? I hang out with my single girlfriends?
My single girlfriends are in two camps. Those who go to the horrible meatmarket bars downtown every weekend to pick up guys to screw that night and wake up in the morning bitter cause they dont have a man and those who sit at home with their cats and a pint of HaagenDas and watch Lifetime getting more and more bitter cause they dont have a man.

I am not either. I wont be either. I am me and I have guy friends and I dont think its weird to hang out with guy friends BUT how do you NOT date them? How do you make it clear that hanging out and spending time and talking to them does not indicated DATING interest it just means, 'Dude, you are cool.' PERIOD.
Cause I think I do hang out and get to know guys, but I do it without intentions of ever dating them.

I think doing it with someone I may want to date is the kicker.

There is a thought there, I just cant seem to word it. I think I know how to just be friends with a guy but I cant seem to be date guys I am friends with....maybe thats it.

Practice Dates? Really?

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 11:46:56 GMT

Tonight I am going on a...'Practice Date'.
Sort of.
Its not really an offical 'Practice Date' but I am going to use it as one.

So my friend and er husband recently moved out of town. Her husband is back in town and tonight we are grabbing dinner. I dont know him as well as I know her. Usually when we get together it is just her and I and their children. She and I talk alot through the computer and I would say (since she has been reading my other blog for a few years! ) that she knows me very, very well. She is one of the most laid back people I have ever met and actually suggested he and I get together while he is in town. He doesnt know he is my practice date. I think it might actually freak him out...

A while back, Joline suggested that I have trouble getting to know guys without factoring dating in. I put guys into two categories when I meet them, Date or NotDate.
I think this is what happened to 'NiceGuy'. The way I met him, as a friend on the internet, instantly put him in the 'NotDate' category and we became friends. I cant seem to think of him in a 'Date' way.
The idea is, get to know someone without being compelled to date them. Get to know them as a person.

This sounds so silly. I feel kinda silly putting on paper but it...makes sense in my head. Shouldnt I know how to do this already? LOL Remember, my ExHusband was the 3rd guy I dated and...really, I wouldnt say I dated in the traditional sense before that. It was like 'Hi! I am Joe! Will you be my girlfriend?' and...yeah.

I missed all this 'How to get to know someone' stuff.

Hmmmmm....

BAM!

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 16:28:32 GMT

I've been blogging for a million years.

Or, ya know, maybe ten.

I recently broke up with another guy (*sigh*) and have come to the conclusion that I have no idea how to date.

I mean, I thought I had a pretty good idea. I had the shaving my legs and looking like a girl thing down. I even managed to allow my dates to open the door for me on occasion. I figured I was all set and ready to go! Boy, ws I in for a shock.

So I came online to learn of the things that I am missing. Problem is, I am missing them. So I dont really know what it is I am looking for. I got myself here to this site and blogging was an option and BAM!

Here I am:)

I am Dawn Minator. I have a job in an office for one of them 'big box stores' and I work as a bartender one, maybe two nights a week. I have a roomate and a cat. I will be 29 on Weds. I do not have any children and although I might look like I have a UHaul full of bagage, I travel light.

I am legal seperated from my husband and have been for almost 2 years. We have a decent call-you-every-so-often-make-sure-youre-alive-should-we-get-around-to-signing-those-papers-yeah-but-work/life/girlfriend/boyfriend-is-keeping-me-busy-call-you-again-soon type of relationship. Its not that we are postponing it because we are holding on to the relationship. We aren't involved or influencing each others lives. It just isnt a big deal. I suppose, someday, if I can date a guy long enough to get serious...then I might be more motivated. Eh.

I mention the meeting of the ex cause...well, I keep running into my dates ex's. I dated a guy who was seperated from his wife. We hung out. I met his child and his parents. I found out later, he was still living with his wife. Ya know, as in NOT seperated at all. That was fun.

I dated a guy for quite a while and actually thought 'We could have a winner here!' but every time I turned around his ex was leaping out of the bushes ninja style telling me to 'Leave him alone cause we are getting married!'

So I think I am rather fortunate to have an exhusband who says out of the picture.

I have dated guys that seem like they have all of the qualities I look for only to find that their grasp of reality is hanging by their fingernails.

Since beginning dating after being married, I have been proposed to twice. Stalked once and dumped in the worst way possible by someone I didnt realize I was actually dating. Ya know, since we didnt ever go out. Like...on a date. Ever.

All of this has made me realize that perhaps I should stop trying to fly this plane without taking the required flight lessons. Cause it sucks. Really.

I am going to be looking for answers. Answers to Why? How? Who?

Why do I want to date? My family and friends keep saying, 'Shit, girl, you barely got seperated! Take some time off for yourself!' and to that I say 'Yes, I understand, however, going to the movies alone? Going to parties and bars as a single? Thats just asking for trouble!' And it is. I dont know how life goes for you, but I am always the girl that my friends and family invite the weird single guy over to meet.

(Yeah, I know. 'Shit, girl, you barely got seperated! Take some time off for yourself!' and then they toss some poor guy into the whirlpool of my life.)

I am okay with it though, so lets not get into the whole 'You are just afraid to be alone' thing. Cause I am not. I have gone to parties and movies and weddings and even grocery shopping alone. I can do it, I am okay with it. I just want to do it while holding hands and feeling like part of a team. I want to have someone to chatter with on the way home, ya know? Also, I am not one of those bitter divorcees that are never getting married again. I would like to get married again. Maybe have a kid.

How does this dating thing work? I really thought, you meet a guy (somewhere? this might be part of my problem too) You have some good conversations, maybe exchange contact informaton. Talk a few times and maybe go on a date and see how things progress. Maybe that good first conversation is all ya got. Maybe its the tip of the iceberg. You go out a few times. He parades you in front of his friends, you put him up for scrutiny in front of your friends and then you either date or dont date.

Another How? I have is how do you tell him you dont want to date? (see: Stalker above. That didnt go so well.)

How this has really gone for me is after the exchange of information and maybe one conversation I get the 'Lets hook up' as in sexually, questions. Yeah...not so much. Circle back to the How do you tell him you dont want to date thing. I am totally not interested in a guy, however attractive he seems if he goes for rubbing naughty bits right off the bat. Its kind of a deal breaker with me. Unfortunatly, my friends and family seem to toss these poor men at me alot. I have dated guys for months without ever kissing them much less doing the tango.

Apparently, the idea is I shouldnt want a serious realtionship after ending my marriage. I should want a series of casual flings. Not so, my friends. Not so.

Who to date is also an issue. My ex was covered in tattoos. All large 'epic' pieces. He had peircings and spiked hair. The 'Bad Boy' look without too much of the baggage. He had an okay job and we had a pretty okay life. I went to the opposite extreme after him. Men with ties. No tattoos. Men with cars that cost more than I earn in a year. *shrug* Isssues are everywhere, its just harder to see them some times. I suppose I dont have a type, apperance-wise.

Do not get me wrong. I cannot date someone I am not physically attracted to. I dont think its shallow. It just makes sense.

Theres my start here. I am not really swimming in the pool yet. I dont think I am ready to. I just have my swimsuit on and am trying to decide if I should come out of the changing room.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 15:38:01 GMT

Hi! I came to learn how to date...no, really. I havent the slightest idea how to swim in this pool.

I think I need floaties.