...and I am trying.

Standing firm on my 'NO' for the first time. It feels weird to finally say 'No' to him. I have been saying 'yes'. I have been begging and pleading and wishing and hoping...eh.

It finally sunk in a few weeks ago, he is not right for me. Which is only slightly more strange than the next creeping thought and...its okay.

I made a mistake. I swore after my husband I would change things. I would never let a man cheat on me. I would not become all consumed by another. I would not lose my sense of self. Somehow..I felt I could do all of this and still love. I think sometimes...you need to lose control to love. Perhaps it should be done with one who is also going to lose control and be consumed by you.

He is sitting there. In the drivers seat. Tears rollling down his face splashing onto his black jacket. He looks old school today. Black jacket, jeans boots and white t-shirt. Blonde hair spiked with this crazy supersonic gel. He looks good and I want to say 'Yes'

I want to say 'Yes' because he is saying everything I want to hear.

-Babe? Please. Dont do this. I know I made a mistake.

(and for a while, I was shreiking them out everytime he made that statement. He keeps saying it. Over and over. Eventually, I dont shriek. I say with a dead voice that makes him wail 'Why are you so cold?')

I know I fucked up. I am sorry. I am admitting that I fucked up. Forgive me and please...dont live in the past. Please. I will do whatever you want. I will get my shit straight. I will buy a house. I will stop drinking. I will do anything. I swear. Dont leave me. I need you. I am going to go crazy with out you. I cant beleive I am losing you. I will show you and not take you for granted. Anything yu want. Please.

The only thing I asked him for when we started dating was honesty. Thats it. Simple. He has spent the last year lying to me about her. Telling me she was out of his life. I caught him lying about her more times that I can count. Everytime I gave him another shot.

One more shot, baby. Please. 

One more shot? I tell him. I am beginning to look like swiss cheese.

On and on he goes. Crying. He tries to raise his voice a few times. I am sick with a cold and stuffy to begin with and I am crying. Crying for him and he wont let go. Part of me is happy to cause him some measure of pain. Most of me just wants him to let me go. We use the word love as a weapon.

If you loved me, you wouldnt leave me. You would stand by me and help me work through my issues.

If you loved me? You would let me go.

I blocked him from my phone. I refused to answer his emails, text. His friends are texting and calling. I keep saying 'No'. 'NO MORE' and usually, oddly, his friends will agree with me. They were friends with her and became friends with me. They are generally nuetral but have stepped in to tell him 'Dude...seriously? Leave her alone. You fucked up.' And I am weak. He is negotiating and i just want sleep and silence. Its been a year. Its been a long week of tears. Its been 5 hours in this parking lot. In this car. Crying and running out of fast food napkins. I got out and ran to my apartment building. I fumbled with my key and made in to the couch sobbing. He left for a while and then came back 'Please. Please. Dont do this. Please. One more week. I can show you it will be different'.

I am still saying 'No' but gah. When does this stop?

How important is money to you?

A few people in my life keep pushing me to date the guys that appear to be financially better off. I have dated guys that are doing alright for themselves and thats fine. I did not know Bomb even had a 'real' job when I met him moonlighting as a bartender. Its just not something I seek out? Should I?

I, personally, spilt checks. Or offer to pay for the next round. Or I get the tickets and you can get the snacks.  *shrug* I have always been this way and odds are pretty good I am not going to change. Most guys laugh and say 'The guy pays on a date! I got it!' and, honestly, I wont put up a fuss, but I will buy the next round.
I dont really care too much about financial status. The extent of it goes to...I am not supporting you financially. Its not going to happen. Perhaps if we were to be married down the line I would offer a certain level of financial support but I do have expectations. If you are physicallyt able to support yourself and work-or at least try!-ten you should.
Heres the thing, though. I wont be supported either.

I have seen girlfirends prior to girls day out shopping turn to boyfriends and say 'Give me...like 200?' and the guy does!
He actually DOES?
'Of course he does. Its what I deserve. Someone to take care of me.' One of my very good girlfriends has a her boyfriends pay for her mani-pedi, hair, spa treatments, etc. 'They date me because I look a certain way. So they can pay for the upkeep'

I guess there are a few questions there.

Guys? Is it weird-and I have been told it is so I ask-when a girl, not just offers, but actually DOES-no muss, no fuss, no scene-split the check or contribute to the date? Have you ever asked a girl to contribute to the date? How comfortable do you feel about contributing to 'upkeep'? And I dont mean just apperance. What about Rent? When you dont live there? School? Car? Are there expectations and obligations linked to the cash?

Girls? Do you expect your date to pony up the cash? For dates? Shopping trips? Maintinence? Do you offer? Do you actually follow through on those offers?  If you are being supported financially, would you date a guy that wasnt able to be so generous? Are there expectations and obligations linked to the cash?

Talking with Laura yesterday about plans for the week, the weekend.
My plans for each night include a guy. A different guy. Most are in the 'Guys I will never date' file and others are in the 'Guys that have asked to date and I say No' file.

I am telling Laura all this and she is laughing.

'For not dating, you sure do date alot.'
I am NOT dating. These are guys I am friends with.
'Did you hang out this much with these guys while dating Bomb?'
Well, no.
'Uh huh.' she is laughing 'Dont you think its odd that they are suddenly asking you to spend more time with them?'

Crap. I mean, I know my guy friends versus guys that wanna be more than friends.

Wow. I sound like a tramp. I am not. Promise. I think there is just a shortage of girls my age who are single and dont have an ass ton of baggage.
Cause, wacky as I am, I am pretty damn normal.

Sorta.

So Laura says this and I am all trying to defend myself and...well, it just goes back to me being oblivious to all this. I just, I dunno. Didnt think of it that way. I did on some of the guys and I told them, not ready to date. Guys are tools and respond with the 'Whats a friendly walk/dinner/cup of coffee? No pressure!' Jerkoffs, that IS pressure.
So then what? I stay in all the time? I hang out with my single girlfriends?
My single girlfriends are in two camps. Those who go to the horrible meatmarket bars downtown every weekend to pick up guys to screw that night and wake up in the morning bitter cause they dont have a man and those who sit at home with their cats and a pint of HaagenDas and watch Lifetime getting more and more bitter cause they dont have a man.

I am not either. I wont be either. I am me and I have guy friends and I dont think its weird to hang out with guy friends BUT how do you NOT date them? How do you make it clear that hanging out and spending time and talking to them does not indicated DATING interest it just means, 'Dude, you are cool.' PERIOD.
Cause I think I do hang out and get to know guys, but I do it without intentions of ever dating them.

I think doing it with someone I may want to date is the kicker.

There is a thought there, I just cant seem to word it. I think I know how to just be friends with a guy but I cant seem to be date guys I am friends with....maybe thats it.